1st date

     Well the time has come that Cassie has her 1st date tonight.  Oh how the time fly's by.  It seems like just yesterday she was my little "turtle" as her neen called her for the first several hours that she was born and I have to admit that she did look like a turtle.  She was the best baby,  slept alnight early  and just never gave us any problems at all.  Now she is a beautiful 16 year old young lady who is very smart and talented.  She can sing like the angels of course in my ears she can not hit a wrong note.  She is so smart but she works hard her school work too.  And beautiful, she is becoming more beautiful everyday. 
     I so wish that mom would have been here to see her, although I do believe that she would approve of her 1st date. He is such a gentleman,  the kind you don't see much anymore.  He offered her his coat cuz she only had on a jacket and it was raining like crazy, opened the car door for her and I am sure that he opened all the doors for her tonight.  He came out last night just to hang out, they played rock band on the Wii and appeared to have a blast.  I must say the last couple days is the most I have seen her smile since mom died.
     I was talking to my sister tonight about how I feel and it just doesn't seem real to me, I mean I know in my head that it is real I was there and I saw her die right on front of me, but I can't really explain it that somewhere deep in my brain and heart it is not true and it is all just a wicked nightmare and I will wake up sooner or later, but I haven't woken up yet and it has been like 6 weeks, and unfortantly life has went on without her.  She is missing so much of the kids life that she never not in a million years would have missed, like tonight.  She would have greeted him at the door with me and gave him a rash of crap about how special Cassie is and how he needed to protect her precious heart. 
     I know that this means that my life is going on without my mom but damn it I don't want it too, not that I want to die either, I could never do that to my kids but I just want to wake up from this stupid F*****G dream and walk into mom's house and her say what do you want for dinner.  I know that is never going to happen again and I need to get on with living but I just can't.  I don't want to work I just want to sit at home or be with my dad and the kids.  Poor Kevin I know he is hurting too, he lost his mom on March 1 in 06 I think.  SO mom was his MOM in so many ways that I can not explain,  you would have to know whe WHOLE story and that would take 17 years to tell.
So as I sit here waiting for Cassie I think about what mom would have done or what mom would have said and that my friends is the only thing that keeps me going.

Not, How Did She Die, But How Did She Live?

 Not how did she die, but how did she live?

Not what did she gain, but what did she give?

These are the units to measure the worth

Of a man as a man, regardless of birth.

Not, what was her church, nor what was her creed?

But had she befriended those really in need?

Was she ever ready, with word of good cheer,

To bring back a smile, to banish a tear?

Not what did the sketch in the newspaper say,

But how many were sorry when she passed away.

__________________________________________

Perhaps they are not

stars in the sky,

but rather openings

where our loved ones

shine down

to let us know they are happy.

____________________________________________________

After Glow

I’d like the memory of me

to be a happy one.

I’d like to leave an after glow

of smiles when life is done,

I’d like to leave an echo

whispering softly down the ways,

Of happy times and laughing

times and bright and

summer days.

I’d like the tears of those who

grieve, to dry before the sun,

Of happy memories that I leave

When life is done.

______________________________________

As We Look Back

As we look back over time

We find ourselves wondering .....

Did we remember to thank you enough

For all you have done for us?

For all the times you were by our sides

To help and support us .....

To celebrate our successes

To understand our problems

And accept our defeats?

Or for teaching us by your example,

The value of hard work, good judgement,

Courage and integrity?

We wonder if we ever thanked you

For the sacrifices you made.

To let us have the very best?

And for the simple things

Like laughter, smiles and times we shared?

If we have forgotten to show our

Gratitude enough for all the things you did,

We're thanking you now.

And we are hoping you knew all along,

How much you meant to us.

____________________________________________________

You can only have one mother

Patient kind and true;

No other friend in all the world,

Will be the same to you.

When other friends forsake you,

To mother you will return,

For all her loving kindness,

She asks nothing in return.

As we look upon her picture,

Sweet memories we recall,

Of a face so full of sunshine,

And a smile for one and all.

Sweet Jesus, take this message,

To our dear mother up above;

Tell her how we miss her,

And give her all our love.

_________________________________________

No farewell words were spoken,

no time to say goodbye, you were

gone before we knew it, and only

God knows why.

_______________________________________

 

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there, I did not die.

___________________________________________

 

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the Serenity to

Accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things

I can, and the Wisdom to know

the difference.

________________________________________

The best and most beautiful

Things in the world cannot

Be seen or even touched.

They must be felt with the heart.

Helen Keller

Another day down......

     My sister spoke with the assistant DA today and basically he stated they were waiting on medical records from Louisville to sit down with the police dept to decide on the charges, then after that they would call us and we would get a chance to sit down and ask any questions that we what and they would explain all the charges and the maximum and minimum penalties allowed by the law.  So really no closer to any answers at all, we think that the other driver is still in the hospital in Louisville,  I know that they will not arrest him until he is out of the hospital because if they do the county will be responsible for the bills.  I know that the county is not prepared to pay such a massive bill.
     Cassie is getting everything all lined out for her date Saturday night.  She doesn't  seem to be that scared but they have been talking alot the last couple days and are getting things to talk about which is good because she is a quiet kid.  
     I am just sitting here watching Days,  some reason the DVR didn't record it today so I am watching it on soap network.   
Well I guess that is about all I have to say tonight.   

Today is a new day.....

     Well today is a new day and one that didn't start for me until after 12 noon.  I actually slept in day and got up missing mom.  I have a mild headache which is better than it was this morning.  Got to talk to Boo today and that helped.  Just woke up missing mom really bad this morning.
     Cassie has a date on Saturday, it will be her 1st real date.  I hope that she has a good time. 
     I posted some beautiful poems on my facebook today with a few pictures of mom.  The following is the poem that was read at mom's funeral by Luke:

Heavenly Garden

Sometimes God picks the flower

that is still in full bloom;

Sometimes the rosebuds chosen

that we feel He's picked too soon.

Sometimes the flower is fading

with petals floating down.

But God knows the perfect time

to gather the flowers from the ground.

There is a heavenly garden

which God takes great pleasure

Because He's placed within it

the loved oned that we treasure.

He walks among the blossoms

giving the eternal rest.

And I know it must please Him

because he chose our very best

Another really good that is MOM to a "T"

What is a MOM?

A mom is one of life's best gifts,

Someone to treasure all life through,

She's caring and loving,

Thoughtful and true,

Someone who is always a special part of your life,

Someone who holds a prime place in your heart,

She's a mentor, a confident and also a friend,

Someone on whose love you can depend.

A mom always has your best interests at heart,

She's someone so dear and so good,

She's a blessing, she's a gift,

She's a treasure like no other,

She's someone that is truly wonderful.

Wherever you go, and whatever you do,

A mom’s love will always see you through,

A mom is truly invaluable,

Indispensable and unforgettable.

I wouldn't want anyone but you,

And that's why I'm so grateful,

that life picked you for me

Time Heals All Wounds.....

     OK so I know that is the famous saying that everyone says after you lose a loved one,  but let me say this,  I don't think that anything will heal the wounds.  I talked to my daughter last night about her recent mood change and I think that the recent death of her NEEN has had a huge impact on her.  She has always been a moody kid but the last month it is bad.  She told me that she hasn't been sleep well and she just can't think.  I know from what I can see that she is in trouble so I called the doctor today and she is giving her an antidepressant.  I sure hope that it helps.   I hate to see my baby girl hurting.  It took her 2 years to begin to get over Grandma Cartwright so I don't know why I thought that she would be doing OK with Neena being gone.  Mom was such a huge part of my life and my kids life too.  Mom always told me that I needed a best friend or at least a friend that I could spent time with besides her,  I always told her I didn't need another friend,  I had her and the kids.  Well now that mom is gone,  the kids are my life and I am trying to learn to live without my mom. 
      I went to the MD yesterday and the doc put me on another med to help me deal with the whole situation, but honestly I don't think that anything will help unless someone can go up to heaven and bring my momma back to me.  I just really don't want to think about life without mom,  it is almost like she is just on a vacation, but I must admit that the vacation is lasting just a bit to long and she can come home anytime now,  she has been gone long enough.  If this is a test I think that I failed big time.  I was able to go back to work for what 3 weeks and that was enough.  I personally don't know if I am going to be able to go back to work.  I really don't care if I do go back to work.  I know that I should care but really I don't give a f***. 
     I hope that one day soon I will care what happens.  The only thing that I do care about it my family and my kids.

Weekend Time

     Well the weekend is just about over....Friday we had a big birthday party for Cassie,  the big 16th birthday party at dad's house.  We had a big bon-fire and roasted hot dogs.  It was a good turn out and it seemed like everyone had a good time,  way to much food with lots of left overs but I guess that is better than running out of food.  For most of mom's family it was the first time they had been at Mom's since she died.  It was different not having her there,  most people say it is the holidays that you miss your loved one the most but I don't know about that,  I think it is the everyday stuff I miss the most. 
     Saturday I spent at home all day, didn't leave the house at all.  Got the living room cleaned up and the kitchen, along with most of all the laundry done.  According to Kevin I didn't get all the laundry done because he had to do alot (like 3 loads) this morning.  Then took a nap late in the afternoon and got up and watched a movie with the kids about Rugby.  So just a quiet day with nothing to do,  it is times like this that I miss mom the most,  the everday stuff,  not having something to do,  when mom was here I always had something to do. 

Sunday another FUN day....nothing much done today except laying around. Did pick up the front yard a little and burned some sticks and a flower bed. Watched a movie with the kids. Now watching Army Wives. Gotta go to work tomorrow. Another day in the life of me without mom. TTFN.....

    

A new day

Well I am going totry to keep up this blog or at least have a place to put my thoughts and emotions down on paper. LOL or internet paper.

 07-02-1949  /   03-02-2010

    
     My mom died from injuries sustained in a car wreck on HWY 7 on March 2, 2010.  She was my absolute BEST FRIEND.  My life has been turned inside out and upside down.   My mom died along with Bonnie a lady that she car pooled to work with all the time.  Cindy was in the car also but by the grace of God Cindy survived her injuries.  Cindy has a broken leg and can not bear weight for at least 6 weeks, along with some broken ribs that are getting better each day.  Bonnie died instantly in the crash while Mom lived for about an hour after the wreck.  She was sent to KDH where I am a nurse.   She died from a ruptured aorta.  I am blessed that I was lucky enough to make it to her side and let her know that I LOVED her.  I know she heard me because she squeezed my hand and wiggled her toes.  It was that quick and she was gone.  I was the only one with her when she died.  My dad and sister had not made it to the hospital when she died.  One of the hardest things to do was to tell my dad that MOM dying and things did not look good.  After about 15 minutes I asked the nurse Stephanie how long the CPR was going to continue and the Dr. said to us that he needed to talk to us,  it was then I know she was gone,  my life was over as I had known it that morning.   Everyday since--my life is anew.