1st date

     Well the time has come that Cassie has her 1st date tonight.  Oh how the time fly's by.  It seems like just yesterday she was my little "turtle" as her neen called her for the first several hours that she was born and I have to admit that she did look like a turtle.  She was the best baby,  slept alnight early  and just never gave us any problems at all.  Now she is a beautiful 16 year old young lady who is very smart and talented.  She can sing like the angels of course in my ears she can not hit a wrong note.  She is so smart but she works hard her school work too.  And beautiful, she is becoming more beautiful everyday. 
     I so wish that mom would have been here to see her, although I do believe that she would approve of her 1st date. He is such a gentleman,  the kind you don't see much anymore.  He offered her his coat cuz she only had on a jacket and it was raining like crazy, opened the car door for her and I am sure that he opened all the doors for her tonight.  He came out last night just to hang out, they played rock band on the Wii and appeared to have a blast.  I must say the last couple days is the most I have seen her smile since mom died.
     I was talking to my sister tonight about how I feel and it just doesn't seem real to me, I mean I know in my head that it is real I was there and I saw her die right on front of me, but I can't really explain it that somewhere deep in my brain and heart it is not true and it is all just a wicked nightmare and I will wake up sooner or later, but I haven't woken up yet and it has been like 6 weeks, and unfortantly life has went on without her.  She is missing so much of the kids life that she never not in a million years would have missed, like tonight.  She would have greeted him at the door with me and gave him a rash of crap about how special Cassie is and how he needed to protect her precious heart. 
     I know that this means that my life is going on without my mom but damn it I don't want it too, not that I want to die either, I could never do that to my kids but I just want to wake up from this stupid F*****G dream and walk into mom's house and her say what do you want for dinner.  I know that is never going to happen again and I need to get on with living but I just can't.  I don't want to work I just want to sit at home or be with my dad and the kids.  Poor Kevin I know he is hurting too, he lost his mom on March 1 in 06 I think.  SO mom was his MOM in so many ways that I can not explain,  you would have to know whe WHOLE story and that would take 17 years to tell.
So as I sit here waiting for Cassie I think about what mom would have done or what mom would have said and that my friends is the only thing that keeps me going.